


I Wanna Hold Your Hand

by IngeniumNoctuam



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adorable, First Kiss, Fluff, Love, M/M, Romance, hand holding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4506654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IngeniumNoctuam/pseuds/IngeniumNoctuam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is in love with Remus, he knows this, now he's just waiting patiently for Remus to come around. James is none to pleased when they become partners for a project and take the first steps into their blooming romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before Too Long I Fell In Love With Him

The room was dead quiet, every person sat as still as statues looking eyes fixed to the front. No one dared move, much less breath. Peter looked strained trying to suppress a sneeze, his eyes bulging, cheeks flaming red, and hands gripped tightly to the edge of the desk. He couldn't hold it in any longer, he sneezed, flinging spittle all over the table in front of him. Groans could be heard throughout all the classroom as the teacher stirred from his sleep.

"Nice going Peter," Sirius grumbled as he wiped the spit from his blank paper.

"Cover your mouth," Remus added as he daintily picked up his slick paper half covered with notes with two fingers. They both grimaced.

"Sorry," Peter mumbled.

"We almost made it the entire class, we ALMOST got no homework," Sirius growled as the teacher groggily looked up and around at his surroundings.

"Sorry class!" the History of Magic teacher, Professor Binns, hollered. Everyone turned to him, five minutes and class would've been over and they wouldn't have been assigned the project, no one looked at Peter.

"Alright, I suppose I should give you the project now, yes just partner with whoever you want and come over to me, I'll give you the assignment."

Remus had to suppress a groan, he always got stuck with Peter who didn't do any of the work or just did all his share poorly. Sirius was also not happy with James being his partner because he took control of the project and gave all the work to Sirius. Sirius glared at James to his left and then looked over to Remus, who was frowning. Remus turned and saw Sirius, he understood the pain.

"Do you want to be partners?" he mouthed behind Peter. Sirius nodded enthusiastically and they quickly got up. James and Peter spluttered.

"Where are you two going?" James asked haughtily.

"We always work together Remus," Peter reminded them as if it just slipped their minds.

"Not this time Peter, I'm tired of doing all the work," Remus said and walked to the front of the class, Sirius at his heels. Peter and James glared at their backs, getting up as well.

"James always takes control of the project and then doesn't actually do anything," Sirius whispered.

"You think that's bad Peter won't do anything unless I force him and even then it's low quality," Remus griped back.

"I'm tired of being called the slacker, those two do nothing."

"You're hardly any better."

"I'll show you."

"Good."

They both smiled at each other.

"Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black do you want your assignment or are you going to stand there smiling at each other all day," Binns interrupted.

"Right, we're going to be partners," Remus informed him. Binns nodded and handed them a paper. They pretended to be busy looking at the paper as they walked by James and Peter.

Sitting together at the table they actually looked over the assignment.

"Just lots of research and a long essay it seems," Remus murmured. He looked fixedly at the peice of paper, scanning of the contents and biting his lip.

"Hmm," Sirius hummed.

"Some friends you are," James grumbled taking his seat, this time with Peter to his right instead of Sirius.

"You'll be good for each other," Remus promised, smiling.

"You both are bossy anyway," Peter mumbled.

"Excuse me for wanting to get the work done AND a good grade," Remus snapped.

James rolled his eyes, "Guess we knew they'd catch on eventually and we'd have to actually do some work."

The bell rang dismissing class and the four got up, forgetting their slight spat.

RL/SB

"Then I said, 'No your a bastard' and hexed him!" James finished proudly.

"That is the single greatest comeback I have ever heard James, really a riveting story," Remus said sarcastically, his eyes staying steadfastly fixed to the map.

"No respect," James huffed.

They waited in the silence of the dark hall under the invisibility cloak for five more minutes before Peter and Sirius sprinted out of Filch's office. Quickly Remus pulled the cloak off his and James' heads and let the others in.

"Got it?" James asked, excited.

With gleaming eyes Sirius held up a key ring with hundreds of assorted, exotic looking keys. The two smiled wickedly at each other.

"That's lovely, now Filch is coming, it's time to go," Remus interrupted, breaking their shared dorky smiles.

"We can't move that fast with the four of us under here how about two go with the map and two go with the cloak?" James offered.

Giving a long withering sigh Remus shrugged the cloak off.

"Someone get out here, we don't have time for this," Remus warned. Sirius appeared in the next moment.

No words needed to be spoken as they sped walked down the hall towards a short cut to the Gryffindor common room.

"Let's go this way," Sirius offered and dragged Remus along with him to another side hallway.

"Where are we going?" Remus blustered, the halls zipping by to fast for him to identify the route.

"A different, more risky way," Sirius told him excitedly. Remus tried pulling Sirius the other way but the boy had his wrist in a death grip. They ran through the corridors, Sirius dragging Remus behind him on the path only he knew. Remus chanced a glance at the map and felt the adrenaline kick in.

"Filch, coming up to our right," he cautioned in Sirius' ear. Sirius immediately made the new adjustments to his plan and made a sharp left. He screeched to a stop in front of a portrait, making a harsh noise, and searched for something, probably an exit.

"He's coming right towards us," Remus said. Sirius sent a fleeting glance down the corridor and then grabbed Remus' wrist again. He dragged the werewolf along another corridor and around another turn.

"Right behind us," Remus breathed, by then he was totally amped up by adrenaline.

Sirius looked back and smiled, he took off into a full run. They heard Filch yelling behind them but weren't close enough to make out the exact words. Portraits, doors, corridors, whipped by them as they ran. Remus felt his heart beating in his chest, it was exciting. Sirius had to contain a gleeful laugh.

Finally Sirius halted again and lifted the flap of a portrait, which had a secret passage behind it. Remus sent a glance behind his shoulder right before he ducked in. When he saw Filch round the corner he was out of sight in a second. They ran a little ways down the passage but stopped close to the other opening to catch their breath. Once they were out they would be no more than a stones throw from the Gryffindor tower. The adrenaline started to wear off, their heart beats slowed and breathing became more regulated.

"We could've been caught," Remus said disapprovingly then he smiled, "We could've been caught."

Their chuckles bounced off the stone walls of the small corridor. They both leaned on either side of the passage looking right at each other. It was completely dark, the kind of dark your eyes never get used to. Remus lit his wand and looked at the map again.

"Peter and James are in the common room, perhaps we should go," Remus suggested.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Sirius sighed, completely ignoring Remus' earlier statement.

"Yes, but also dangerous. One of these days you're going to get caught," Remus reprimanded.

"Puh-lease, I've gotten caught plenty of times, it's still fun."

"It's also going to get you in serious trouble one day, I just don't want you to get hurt."

Remus lifted his wand to illuminate both their faces in the dark corridor, he forced unwavering eye contact.

"Well, you'll just always have to stick around, to keep me in check."

"I plan to," Remus smiled. Without another word they headed to the common room.

RL/SB

Their corner of the library was dark, the moon was the only source of light and it silhouetted both their figures. Remus sat on the edge of the table looking up at Sirius, who stood practically between his legs. There was no movement, no sound, as they looked into each other's eyes. Remus tilted his head up a little more and Sirius moved his face down a tad. Their lips were so close it would take no effort to close the distance. They remained like that for a minute, saying nothing, yet many things. They were both paralyzed in this moment, in the silence, in the tension. Remus let out a breath, it felt soft against Sirius' lips, his heart beat faster. They were so close, there was no one watching, if he just...

Concrete. Why was he on the floor? Darkness. Wasn't he just with Remus? It was a dream, a very vivid dream, Sirius realized as he regained cognitive awareness. He fell out of bed and woke up, dreams always end before they get good he sighed. It didn't make sense anyway, why wouldn't there be any lights on, why were they there so late. Sirius groaned and sat up, the room was still, no wait Peter just snored.

"Sirius?" a voice called.

"Mmf."

Remus crept over to Sirius' side of the bed and looked down on him with pity.

"Did you fall out of bed?" he laughed.

Sirius scowled, "Yes."

"Must've been some dream, are you OK?"

"Fine." Sirius stood up so he was eye level with Remus. "Just fine."

"Good, I'm off back to bed then, unless you change your mind," Remus teased. He backed away, fixing him with a smirk that Sirius would have to label flirtatious.

"Now that you mention it, my bed is quite cold, you should probably help me warm it up," Sirius suggested coyly.

Remus tilted his head and looking at Sirius sympathetically, "Careful Black, one of these days I might just accept."

Remus swept off leaving Sirius with his thoughts, specifically I wouldn't mind if you accepted. He climbed back in bed but sleep did not befall him easily.

RL/SB

Peter and James begged to tag along to their first project work session but both adamantly declined. The two would probably just distract and steal all their work. Remus and Sirius set off to the library before dinner, without their two friends. Actually, Remus had just walked in the common room, no explanation, and dragged a very confused Sirius out the portrait hole. Sirius righted himself, taking his wrist away from Remus' grip and smoothing out his clothes.

"I think they're going to fail," Remus mused as they walked. He had a faint smile and was twisting a piece of hair with one finger.

"They might," Sirius responded, swaggering down the corridor like it was his runway.

"You have a swagger," Remus pointed out. He smiled fondly and twisted his hair some more.

"Do I? I never noticed." Sirius smirked and walked faster, ahead of Remus, his hips swaying even more with his exaggerated swagger.

"Now you just look ridiculous."

Sirius tilted his head back and let out a bark of laughter as Remus made long strides to catch up.

"Did you smoke recently?" Sirius guessed. Remus looked coyly down at his shoes, but when he looked up he had a dreamy smile.

"Maaaaybe," he sang followed by a round of giggles.

Now it was Sirius' turn to smile fondly, Remus always got more bubbly when he was high. Also ten times more creative and focused so this session would go great.

"Can we get some food first?" Remus inquired, tugging on Sirius' sleeve in the direction of the kitchens.

"Sure little Moonykins we can skip dinner and just eat it now."

Remus beamed and grabbed Sirius' hand. He swung their conjoined hands back and forth as they walked quickly down the halls. They ignored any and all strange looked they received.

"I think you should make your motorbike fly," Remus said suddenly. He sounded wistful when he said it, looking up at the ceiling.

"For you Remus, I'd fly to distant galaxies," Sirius said equally as dreamily. He cringed at the cheesiness, he always said stupid stuff around Remus. At least Remus was a bit inebriated and wouldn't laugh at the turn of phrase.

Remus did not laugh but smile contentedly and leaned his weight on to Sirius.

"I'd miss you," it was soft, barely above a whisper but it meant a lot to Sirius. It meant a clench of the chest, a quickening heart rate, and a swirl in is gut. That was the first time Sirius realized he may be in love with Remus and the first time he had hope Remus may be in love with him.

RL/SB

Dinner would be starting in thirty minutes and they just finished their meals. Remus ate twice as much as usual, which was just a little above a Sirius' average meal size.

"You don't eat enough," Sirius complained on their way back to the library.

"Thanks for your concern James," Remus said airily, Sirius wasn't sure if he was joking or if he actually thought he was walking with James. Sirius shook his head and smiled fondly, he thought Remus was a dork.

"I'm not James," he reminded Remus.

"I know that! Your Sirius, with raven black hair, piercing grey eyes, and," Remus abruptly stopped and turned to Sirius, "Cheekbones as sharp as knives," he concluded dramatically.

"Is that how you describe me in your head?"

Sirius liked the description, it made him feel like a rock star or a mysterious biker. Remus had a way with words, high or not.

"Only when you wear eyeliner."

Sirius smiled, he may have to wear eyeliner on a more permanent basis.

As they walked into the library a group of girls was exiting. Sirius gave them a charming smile and all three giggled. He swaggered away, knowing the girls were watching. Remus found a fairly secluded table and set his messenger bag down in one of the chairs.

"Do you think they'd be disappointed to know you're gay?" Remus asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"They'd find me twice as untouchable and three times as attractive," Sirius said confidently.

Remus looked at him with challenge in his eyes, "Then why don't you tell anyone?"

Sirius fidgeted. Remus leaned closer. Sirius looked desperately for a distraction. Remus sustained eye contact. Sirius twitched. Remus used his 'intense eyes', the ones where it looks like there's gold in them somewhere, the ones where it looks like he's staring into your soul. Sirius felt uncomfortable.

"We should probably do some work," Sirius managed, his voice inclining every syllable. The truth was that below all the vibrato he was insecure, he was worried what everyone would think of him if he came out and Remus knew that. Remus was possibly the only one who saw the truth, that Sirius Black worried about what others thought of him.

Remus scowled but said nothing else as he started pulling out papers. The scowl was soon gone when he took a look at Sirius' notes from History of Magic.

"These are terrible," Remus giggled, "Look that one you just wrote animals names all over the page."

"That class is boring!" Sirius defended. He snatched the notes from Remus' hands and looked over them, why didn't he have any recollection of making these notes?

"I think you wrote poetry on this one out I can't read what it says, your handwriting's too messy."

Sirius' eyes widened, he remembered that. He remembered the sun streaming in the classroom window glittering in Remus' hair, making it look golden. He remembered liking that color. He remembered thinking how elegant Remus' fingers were, so long and lithe. He remembered looking over Peter's sleeping form to glimpse the scars on Remus' otherwise smooth cheeks. He remembered realizing Remus was very attractive, that he found Remus attractive. He remembered wanting to capture that beauty so he wrote terrible poetry, that he forgot to burn.

Sirius again snatched the paper from his hands. Remus looked up in shock, he looked so innocent, like a kicked puppy, Sirius felt bad.

"Sorry," Remus mumbled and went back to his own notes.

"It's just terrible, I wrote it because I was bored," Sirius insisted, he wanted to quell any of Remus' doubts.

"What's it about?"

Remus asked the question offhandedly but something about he way his eyes stayed vigilantly to the paper made Sirius think otherwise.

"Just something I love."

Sirius forced down a smile at the sentence. He loved Remus, he totally loved Remus. He had said it out loud too, sort of. He felt like a weight had been lifted, no maybes, he loved Remus.

They worked through dinner, as expected. A good half of the project was completed and they still had an entire week to finish the rest of the essay.

"I don't really want to go back to the others yet," Sirius said, he really just wanted more time with Remus, "Let's just walk around a bit."

Remus smiled, his high had worn off so this smile was genuine. It reached his eyes, making him look younger than usual. Remus was stressed about doing well in school, about being a werewolf, and it showed in his weary face. Sirius treasured these moments where Remus practically glowed.

Collecting all their papers neatly and putting them in his messenger bag, Remus consented to the idea.

"Do you want me to carry your bag?" Sirius offered as they headed out the library.

"No, I've got it. Do you want to walk around the lake?" Remus suggested, already heading in that direction.

"Alright!" Sirius chirped and bounded ahead of Remus. He turned and smiled back at Remus. Despite valiant efforts Remus couldn't walk as fast as Sirius with his bag weighing him down.

Remus rolled his eyes and Sirius waited patiently for him.

They were almost out of the castle when James and Peter came dashing towards them.

"Hey!" James hollered, "You missed dinner."

"Remus had the munchies, we just ate before and worked through dinner," Sirius explained.

"Where were you headed off to?"

"Walk around the lake," Sirius told them begrudgingly, it was supposed to just be him and Remus. He knew what the next question would be before they asked.

"Mind if we join?" James asked.

Remus and Sirius sent hesitant glances at each other and started fumbling for reasons to say no.

"Ummm," Remus began, he looked at Sirius for help.

"We were just going to walk together..."

James and Peter looked between each other.

"So?" James prompted.

"Just us..." Remus finished lamely.

"I see when we're not wanted," James huffed. He and Peter looked slightly offended, they marched off without another word.

"Drama queens, like we can't spend time together," Sirius griped when they were gone.

"They got sensitive when we partnered up too," Remus added.

They walked in silence, contemplating this until the brisk air outside hit them.

"Autumn is my favorite season," Remus confided. He looked up at the deep blue sky, the sun was almost set, and breathed in the clear air. Sirius did the same. Leaves crunched and cracked beneath their feet, some danced nimbly down from tall branches, and some remained on trees to provide them with gold, red, and orange cloaks. First Sirius felt tranquility, then regret as he shuddered in the cold without a coat.

Smiling sympathetically Remus pulled off his pair of soft, woolen gloves. "Here."

Sirius wanted to refuse, but the breeze cut into his bones, he took them.

"I don't have a favorite season," Sirius said pulling on the gloves, which were warmed already by Remus' hands.

"It's not a requirement," Remus assured him. He rubbed his hands together without thinking.

"Now you're cold!" Sirius exclaimed, he made to take his gloves off but Remus stopped him.

"I have a coat, you don't, it's only fair."

Scowling Sirius grabbed one of Remus' hands and sandwiched it between his two gloved ones. He rubbed furiously until it felt like Remus' hand was warm and Remus was smiling at him like he was an idiot, an idiot he loved. Sirius froze, they had stopped walking some time ago. Slowly, as to not scare Remus, he interlocked their fingers and dropped his other hand. Remus did not break eye contact as he lowered their hands to their sides.

"So it doesn't get cold later," Sirius breathed, why did it feel like electricity was shooting through his hand?

"Of course," Remus breathed back and then they were walking again. Discretely they held hands, walking so close their robes covered up their conjoined hands.

Sirius watched Remus out of the corner of his eye, Remus who's hair was getting windswept and cheeks flushed. Remus who's hand he was holding, for warmth he reminded himself, but then again, didn't Remus have pockets? Couldn't he have just used them for warmth?

They walked, hand in hand, pretending it meant nothing for two friends to share warmth by using such and intimate gesture. The longer they walked the closer they became until they were pressed right into each other, side to side. Sirius' heart stuttered as he realized their proximity, he felt dizzy.

Somehow in Sirius' dreamlike state they managed to get back to the castle. Holding Remus' hand had become so natural he forgot to let go, as did Remus. They walked through the halls, unthawing a little bit, comfortably touching each other just slightly. It was only when Remus nearly ran into a wall and Sirius stopped him did they realize their mistake. With no lack of awkwardness they both let go and walked back to the common room as if opposite magnetic poles.

"There you two traitors are," James scowled as they arrived back into the dormitory.

Remus was completely unconcerned with James' feelings so he disregarded the comment completely. Sirius decided to change the subject. He went over to his trunk and searched for a few minutes, finally he righted himself with a proud smile.

"So, who wants to go put snakes in Slughorn's office?" he sang holding up the key ring and jiggling it. Any hostility immediately forgotten James and Peter jumped up with matching excited smiles.


	2. Let It Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius spend a day in he forest together and James starts acting suspicious. Staring contests, literal falling, and talk of baths ensue.

"I've never seen him look so angry," Peter whispered in potions the next day.

"At least he has no proof it was us," Remus offered, though even he looked uncertain.

Slughorn reacted even more poorly than expected and had forced the entire class to make a potion so advanced it wasn't even in the curriculum.

"This backfired completely," Sirius groaned as a puff of smoke rose from his cauldron and the contents became charred. Remus had long ago given up, he was terrible at potions anyway. Lily and Snape were the only two making any reasonable progress, but if the glares they were sending the Marauders were any sign they were struggling too.

"We need to lay low for a bit," James mumbled.

As he added another ingredient he superstitiously backed up and clenched his eyes shut. He opened one eye and let out a sigh of relief at the potion that was just sitting there, not blowing up. The bell couldn't rings soon enough and when it did the Marauders were out the door before anyone had the chance to pack up.

"You know that projects due in a week," Remus reminded everyone as they sprinted back to the Gryffindor common room.

"Is now the best time to bring this up?" Peter panted as they ran.

"I'm just saying you and James should probably get started on it," Remus sighed. The four pulled up at the portrait and quickly muttered the password.

"Thank you mother, oh I mean Moony," James said and then proceeded to laugh at his own joke.

Sirius found himself rolling his eyes along with Remus.

"We all know you're the mother hen James," Remus teased as he sat down in an armchair, discarding his school bag.

"Padfoot, you can not wear that jacket outside you'll freeze!" Sirius mocked in a high pitched voice.

"Wormtail, if you don't study for this test you'll fail, I don't care that it's in two weeks!" Peter squeaked.

"Moony, eat your peas! You look skinny! You need muscles like mine!" Remus chimed in with a marvelous impression of James.

James looked affronted at all three of his friends ganging up on him. Like a petulant child he crossed his arms and sat not the couch not saying a word.

"Let him sulk," Remus said, distracted by his book already.

Sirius and Peter sat down as well, not attempting to speak to James like they planned. James fidgeted in the silence, his resolve breaking. Remus turned a page for effect, he hadn't finished reading it.

"Anyone want to play exploding snap?" Peter ventured, breaking the silence.

James immediately perked up and sprang off the couch, grabbing the game. He and Peter played on the floor, Sirius lay on his stomach, stretching across the entire couch, facing Remus.

"Are you bored, Sirius?" Remus asked after what must have been five minutes of solid staring on Sirius' part.

He had come to realize that as he did find Remus attractive he had a different kind of beauty. His nose was a bit to long, his scars a few too numerous, his arms and legs a bit too lanky. Yet his eyes were so amazingly gorgeous, his hair fell in all the correct ways, and all is features worked very well together. He was by no means perfect, girls may turn their nose up at him, but that almost made him more ethereal. Had Remus asked him a question?

"Yes!" he's announced confidently, not entirely sure what he was agreeing to.

"Do you want to stop staring at me and go to the kitchens?"

"Yes!" Well he may continue staring...

"Prongs, Wormatail, we're going to the kitchens," Remus called. They hummed their acknowledgement, not even looking up from their game. Shrugging, Remus and Sirius left for the kitchens, Remus' book discarded.

"Any particular reason you were staring at me? I know I don't have enticing radiant beauty and I'm not that interesting just reading a book. What were you thinking?" Remus said as they exited the portrait hole.

"Don't say things like that!" Sirius reprimanded.

"Like what? Why were you staring?"

"No! Stop being difficult."

"Physically impossible."

Sirius sent him a sharp glare.

"What I mean is stop being so unconfident in yourself!"

"Instead I should be like you? Think I'm better than everyone else?"

"I'm not better than everyone, just most everyone."

"Yes, there is such a distinction."

"What I'm saying," Sirius gave Remus a printed look for being evasive, "is that you should be nice to yourself. You don't have to go around congratulating yourself but at least don't be all self deprecating."

"Have you considered becoming a motivational speaker?"

Sirius knew this was another evasion tactic, that there was something more Remus did not want to talk about, but he let it go. Maybe he'd get it out of Remus next time he got high.

RL/SN

The smell of chocolate hung in the air like cigarette smoke outside a pub. Just how Remus liked it, pure 70% dark chocolate, no pointless fillings of any sort. Sirius watched him savor the bite of chocolate, his eyes closed, head tipped back, tongue licking any remnants off his lips. Well, they had made it to the kitchens but Sirius was still staring. Sirius deftly picked up a chocolate filled pastry and took a bite, hardly conscious of what he was doing. A moment later and Remus' eyes were open. Sirius thought that his chocolate eating seemed much more erotic than normal, but why would Remus do that on purpose?

Sirius realized all too late he looked like an idiot with his mouth open full of eclair. He snapped it shut and chewed. Remus seemed satisfied about something, probably the chocolate... probably.

"Do you want to go into the forbidden forest?"

"Why on Earth would I want to do that?"

Sirius mulled it over in his head, he wanted to go to spend time with Remus and because it would be awesome if they could get away with it. What could he say to convince Remus?

On second thought Remus had that perfectly innocent smile on that meant he was about to break all the rules so maybe he wouldn't need convincing.

"You can spend more time with me and on a lesser note we will be breaking a lot of rules in broad day light risking major punishment."

"Why Sirius, what would make you think I would want to spend time with you?"

The innocent smile was replaced by a mischievous smile that meant rules would be made after the shenanigans they were about to get up to, to prevent repeats of said trysts.

They thanked the house elves and left, making sure to walk casually as to not call any attention to themselves. Outside the sun was a beacon, a great white mass amongst the endless blue sky. Trees rustled pleasantly in the wind, as they got closer to the edge of the forest it became more of an ominous whistle. Every once in a while they would look over their shoulders but no one was out, it was slightly to cold to be comfortable.

At the edge of the forest both boys stood and looked up at the trees looming over them.

"We could get killed," Remus said as much as a reminder for Sirius as for himself.

"Or worse, expelled," Sirius added faintly.

"This was a bad idea."

"All my ideas are bad ideas."

They'd been in the forest before, just as animals. It was much different seeing the sharp contrast of its darkness to the lightness outside during daytime. They walked in anyway. Sticks crunched below their feet and distant animal noises could be heard, Sirius needed to fill the silence.

"So..."

"Great conversation starter."

"Shut up."

"Even better conversation starter."

"I don't know why I hang around you, this is an abusive relationship."

Oh dear, there was Remus' patented innocent look, a mix of big eyes and pouty lips, whatever came out of his mouth next was going to be dreadful.

"I thought you liked it rough," Remus, Perfect Remus (capitals and no capitals in Sirius' mind), cooed.

Sirius gaped, stopped walking and gaped, as Remus swaggered on ahead without a care in the world. Coming back into himself Sirius followed, Remus had the strange tendency to be a complete blushing virgin sometimes and a flirtatious Casanova others.

"You have to warn me before you do those things," Sirius breathed, finally caught up to Remus.

"Do what things?"

"You know, be all sexy and cocky," he realized he shouldn't have said cocky too late, "It throws me off."

"You think I'm sexy?" Remus asked teasingly, though something else slipped through the cracks, was it hope?

"Well someone as sexy as myself has to affiliate with other almost as attractive people, Peter not withstanding."

"Poor Peter isn't sexy enough for the great Sirius Black."

"Few are, you should feel honored."

"Oh, but I do. I feel so honored that you find me less attractive than yourself."

Sirius scoffed and kicked a branch, so self deprecating it's awesome, used in the proper sense of amazing and horrifying.

"Oh look!" Remus almost squealed and kneeled down. A small little creature ran towards him and into his outstretched palms.

Long ago in Care of Magical Creatures they had discovered animals loved Remus. It was the one good thing that came out of his affliction, because Remus liked cute animals. So then it was no surprise when animals started coming up to Remus in the forest, all small and adorable, looking for praise.

"I don't know how these little ones survive here," Remus mused, petting the puffball in his hand.

Sirius nodded and reached a tentative finger out to the furry guy only to have the beast reveal his fangs.

"Oh, that explains it," Remus hummed, placating the animal with more petting. He placed the animal on the ground and they kept walking aimlessly. The only sound was their feet connecting with twigs for the longest time. More animals approached but nothing as exciting as Sirius was hoping for. He was also not pleased with all the attention those little animals were getting from Remus and not him. Deciding he had enough of this Sirius turned into Padfoot.

Remus was taken aback at first, not expecting the change, but quickly realized what happened and smiled down at the big dog. He crouched down and rubbed Sirius' head. Sirius replied by nuzzling his face into his lap. Remus sat down completely, his legs folded beneath him, and stroked Sirius' fur.

A twig snapped in the distance, both their heads shot up. Padfoot turned back into Sirius. With baited breath they waited, but no other noise came.

"Don't change back," Remus whispered.

Sirius wanted to ask questions but a finger was placed on his lips. Sirius lowered his head to Remus' lap, lips tingling. It came as surprise when Remus continued to stroke Sirius' hair in silence. Sirius found it odd to be laying on the forest floor but he really did not want to move.

Remus smiled down on Sirius, fingers running through black tresses, gently scraping the scalp. Sirius pillowed his head in the dip between Remus' thighs, feeling contentment. The forest swayed gently around them, as if keeping at bay because it knew they needed this moment.

He could've stayed there forever, the smell of the forest, the feel of Remus all around him.

Sirius' eyes fluttered closed, he was teetering on the edge of sleep, when Remus' calloused fingers ventured beyond his hair, again to the lips. The finger remained for a few seconds and then leisurely pulled away. Then something changed, Remus became rigid.

"I can hear footsteps," Remus whispered.

Sirius was alert right away, sitting up. They both stood and Sirius followed as Remus edged over to a tree.

"We should head back, quickly."

Something in Remus' tone made Sirius believe this was urgent. They moved fast but silent through the the forest, Remus leading. Remus would stop every once in a while and listen, then continue. They were out of the forest in minutes. Remus did not stop moving there, he dashed through the open fields until they reached a path students normally walked on.

"Who was it?" Sirius breathed, his heart rate still skittering faster than normal.

"I think... I think it was Snape, but I'm not sure. The person just smelled familiar. I think he was spying on us. I felt a presence halfway through," Remus admitted.

"Do you think he saw me transform?"

"No, I think that twig we heard was him coming in closer so he could see us. It's a good thing you transformed back, he may have seen. That's why I asked you to stay human and be quiet, I tried to hear more. He moved closer and I decided we should go, now he can't rat on us because that would mean he would have to admit he was in the forest too. I think he may have wanted to confront us."

Sirius nodded taking in all the information, "Slimy git."

"Like I said, I'm not entirely sure it was him."

Remus grabbed Sirius' shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. He made sure to sustain eye contact.

"Don't do anything stupid, it might not have been him."

Sirius could never disagree when Remus had a death grip on his shoulder, like he did now, and was looking at him so intently.

"Fine."

Remus nodded and they kept walking on the path in silence for a ways. Sirius got distracted by a pair of what looked to be first years chasing something hidden to him in the grass. So engrossed was he that Remus' hand grabbing his wrist actually made him jump.

Sirius was about to ask what was going on but he didn't have to, Severus Snape was walking towards them.

"How'd he get ahead of us?" Sirius whispered as they kept walking, Remus' hand still firmly around his wrist. Whether for his own comfort, to stop Sirius from doing something stupid, or another reason entirely was unclear.

"Lupin, Black," Snape growled as he passed.

"Been to the forbidden forest recently?" Sirius asked casually.

The question genuinely seemed to throw Snape off guard, he stopped in his tracks.

"What are you playing at Black?"

"We just think you would fit in better there," Remus supplied and tugged Sirius away.

When they were out of earshot Sirius burst with excitement.

"That was such a good comeback!" Sirius praised.

"I don't think it was him in the forest, he would've made a snide remark or at least not have been so thrown off," Remus said, ignoring Sirius' comment.

Sirius realized Remus was still holding his wrist, probably just forgot to let go. Sirius didn't want to push this new dynamic in their relationship, but their hands were so close. Timidly he moved his wrist from Remus' grip and replaced it with his hand. Remus made no move to stop things so Sirius interlocked their fingers. Remus looked over at him and smiled gently, his eyes shone.

"For warmth?" Remus questioned quietly.

"For warmth," Sirius confirmed.

The day had taken an unexpected turn to the warm because of the wind that ceased to blow. Neither commented on that fact. They moved closer so their robes covered their linked hands when a group of students passed them by, they did not let go. Only when the entered the common room did they release each other. Sirius knew his face was beet red, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was so carefree he ignored the looks James was sending them, sitting side by side on the couch, when he arrived back in the common room from heaven knows where.

RL/SB

It was almost comical how Sirius drooled over Remus. It was a testament to his affections when he would carry his bag before and after the full moon or kiss his forehead after his transformation, but it was a testament to his attraction when he had fantasies in class so wonderful he actually drooled or when just staring at Remus could cause his salvation to triple. Sirius blamed it on the dog in him. However interested he was though, he did not want to push Remus.

Remus had taken a few years to become even slightly physically affectionate and was always hesitant to share his emotions. That's why Sirius didn't mind playing this dancing game of sorts, he could wait until Remus was comfortable. Ideally it would be Remus who made the first move, when he was ready.

That's also why Sirius wanted to spend more time alone with Remus, to give the boy ample time and opportunity to touch him, however faintly. The two times that had held hands had been wonderful, but Sirius was waiting for Remus to initiate contact.

Sirius was particularly disappointed when he realized they would only need at most two more sessions alone together to work on the project. Even more disappointing was that next session was that day, Monday.

James had been acting strange all weekend and insisting that they spend every waking minute together when he wasn't at Quidditch. Monday was a gift and a curse.

"Do you think they've even started the project?" Remus asked as they headed towards the library.

"No, I haven't seen them go work on it," Sirius said.

Remus gave a long sigh that made him sound like a father who had been faced with disappointment from his son for years.

"I swear, sometimes he just needs to grow up. He's been ridiculous lately. I think he wants everything between us to stay the same, to just live our lives as the four Marauders, never growing up."

"He isn't used to change, he's like a spoiled child, he can't stand when something doesn't go his way."

They both stewed in their thoughts for a few minutes, their feet taking them where they needed to go without help from the brain.

Sirius knew he was in some ways like James, a child who felt entitled to what he wanted, but in others he was not. He wasn't as grown up as Remus, who was too grown up for his own good, but he knew he was maturing. It scared him.

"Ah!"

Sirius whipped his head around just in time to see Remus fall face first to the ground. Sirius was not able to catch him, merely watch helplessly as Remus impacted with the ground in slow motion.

"Are you okay?!" Sirius questioned frantically, immediately crouching next to Remus laying flat on the floor.

Remus groaned and rolled over on his back, slowly he sat up. Sirius placed his hand on Remus' forehead and checked for bumps. He took Remus' chin it two fingers and turned his face from side to side inspecting every detail, making sure there was no bruising.

"I'm fine Pads," Remus muttered, tired of sitting on the floor.

"If you think so..."

Sirius stood and offered his hand which Remus gladly took.

"What tripped you?" Sirius asked once both were perpendicular to the floor.

"I just tripped on my own feet," Remus told him looking back on the completely smooth floor where he fell.

"Clumsy," Sirius mused fondly, "Let's head to the library then."

Remus stepped, then wobbled, so Sirius grabbed his wrist to stabilize him. For his efforts he was given a grateful smile. Sirius did not retract his hand the rest of the way to the library.

RL/SB

"Are we done?" Sirius asked, almost in awe.

They had spent a tireless hour on the last of the long report and it looked like things were finally paying off.

"Yes," Remus affirmed.

Papers covered the table, all with scribbles and ink spots and scratches, but in Remus' hands there was the essay. Foot upon foot of tireless notes put into articulate sentences written painstakingly in neat rows of cursive. If they didn't get an O no one would, it was pure gold.

"I'm done with everything," Sirius announced and leaned back in his chair across from Remus.

"I want to take a nap."

Sirius cracked an eye open, oh yes the full moon was in two days.

"You should take one," Sirius said yawning.

Remus smiled and leaned across the table, resting his weight on his forearms.

"Have you ever done this much school work in your life?"

"Nope."

He leaned forward as well, his eyes deeply focused on Remus'.

"Staring contes!" Sirius announced. Both scrunched their eyes closed and counted down to three, on three, their eyes opened and it began.

They were already close but Remus leaned even closer, not even sitting in his chair any more, his entire weight resting on his forearms. Sirius was always a sucker for Remus' amber eyes, Remus harbored a secret affection for Sirius' grey ones. One minute in and both their eyes were stinging.

Something in Remus' expression changed, from tense determination to... fondness? Then the staring contest was unofficially over as Remus leaned his face closer to Sirius', his head tilting ever so slightly. Sirius didn't dare breath as Remus came closer and both their eyes fluttered shut. Remus came no closer, instead Sirius heard a bang. Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus lifting his face from the table, holding his forehead.

"Paper slipped," Remus explained. He removed his hand from his forehead and held his elbow, which presumably slipped.

Sirius brushed his fingers across Remus' forehead, the boy flinched.

"I think it may bruise," Sirius said sadly, not only for the bruise but for the interrupted kiss.

"Ow."

Sirius pouted, poor Remus probably really needs a nap now, maybe even some hot chocolate.

"Is your elbow hurt?"

Remus held it up and indeed there was already a purple bruise blossoming.

"It's strange but now I kind of want a bath," Remus mused. For a moment Sirius thought he may be concussed.

"Remus, how many fingers am I holding up?" Sirius held up five and then four and then five, back and forth and back and forth.

"I don't have a concussion!"

"That's just a strange thing to say, I just wanted to make sure!" Sirius defended holding his hands up in surrender.

"Let's pack all this up before I manage to hurt myself more."

With in minutes the table was cleared and the essay placed like a gantlet at the top of Remus' bag.

"Do you want hot chocolate?" Remus asked, it was his go to question when he thought someone needed cheering up.

"No, I need hot chocolate," Sirius stressed.

With a roll of the eyes Remus was walking stride for stride with Sirius.

"Remus, I've figured you out," Sirius proclaimed once Remus had caught up.

"Oh?" Cue the arched brow.

"You break a lot of tiny rules, and usually, when you can, you blame it on us."

"Is that so? You're saying you never break any rules, it's all me."

"No, we break tons of rules, but with you it's different. On a daily basis I'd wager you break more small rules than us."

"I somehow doubt I break more rules than the illegal animangus on a daily basis, I'll need more proof."

"You have the mouth of a sailor and yet whenever you curse in class you reprimand James or me and the teacher blames us."

Remus smiled, he couldn't deny that.

"Is that all your proof? Every once in a while I say a bad word and blame it on you two, who, may I remind you, aren't foreign to swearing."

"You're more fowl than you seem at first glance, but no that's not it. Those obscene little doodles that you leave laying about James or I always get blamed for."

"I say nothing on those matters, people just naturally assume it was you two. Also my drawings are genius."

"I can't dispute that, I especially love the one of the loony divination teacher holding a crystal ball to her crotch and making a very explicit face."

"One of my finer works, I like Slughorn licking a cauldron clean and giving an absolutely seductive look."

"A gem to be sure, but I'm not done. Sometimes you wear comfortable shoes to class and no one comments on it but when my shirt is unbuttoned too much or tie too loose then I'm getting detentions."

"Are you done?"

"You also take food from the great hall and eat in class, now I'm done."

"You and James are so ostentatious every looks at you anyway but I fly below the radar. No one pays attention to me or suspects me, that's how I get away with things."

"You also smoke weed, you would think someone would have noticed by now."

"I'm careful with that."

"Still, I'm just saying you're a lot more rebellious than people give you credit for."

"Why thank you my dear Padfoot, for finally catching on." There was that innocent smile, that twinkle of the eye, only Remus could look so innocent and yet so mischievous at the same time.

"You also can walk while reading and not fall and run into things but without a book with all your attention you trip and run into walls."

"One of my many gifts."

"You're an ox moron or no that's not right, what's that ridiculous word you keep shoving down our throats?"

"Oxymoron, how am I an oxymoron?"

"You reprimand us for breaking rules but you break loads too, your walk fine reading a book but trip when you're not distracted, and you are the most calm and nice person I've ever met and yet once a month, you know..."

Remus looked at him, he wasn't sure how to take that. Sirius wasn't sure how he wanted Remus to take that.

"That's funny, I'm also pretty good at cooking but terrible at potions, I have the utmost respect for authority but am constantly disrespecting it, and I have heightened senses but yet I get startled really easily."

"That's adorable by the way."

"So I'm adorable and I'm sexy, I don't think that works."

"Just makes you more of an oxymoron."

"I suppose," Remus hummed. They arrived at the kitchens and that was the end of the conversation, for now. Moments later they sat with cups of hot chocolate and plenty of marshmallows. They were almost done with their coco when it dawned on him.

"That's another thing! You love chocolate and sweet things but you take your coffee black."

"I like my coffee like I like my men."

Sirius was confused for all of two seconds and then he was combusting in his chair, making all sorts of unintelligible noises.

"Well I'm going to go take a bath then, try not to think about that to hard," Remus leered and got up. Oh, Sirius would think about it alright.

Remus was almost at the door when he turned and walked back over to Sirius. Remus leaned down and placed a lingering kiss to his cheek. His hand somehow drifted to Sirius' thigh for stability, alarmingly close to another, less friendly, region.

When his lips left he stayed close and whispered, "Or maybe do."


	3. It's Been a Hard Day's Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius make plans and James and Sirius get in a row.

Remus had long since left the kitchens but Sirius could not move from his chair. He needed a cold shower, now, where he wouldn't think about Remus in a bath or Remus kissing his cheek and whispering arousing things in his ear. He looked at his lap, oh sweet Merlin it was still there, protruding from his pants like a giant middle finger to his ridiculous attraction. Awkwardly he got up and shoved his hands in his pockets, hunching over, the walk to his dorms was excruciating. Every passerby made him jump and feel insecure, he was in the showers in record time.

Back in the dorms he found Remus perched on the edge of his bed twisting his hair with a finger, a book in his lap. James and Peter were on their own beds reading magazines.

Remus looked up at his entry and gave him a secretive smile, Sirius took a deep breath. Like most deep moments it was interrupted by James.

"We need booze, let's sneak out and get some!" James proclaimed. Everyone else shrugged, much less enthusiastic.

They gathered the cloak and map and were off, in a flurry of laughter and careless rule breaking. The paths they took were tried and tested, they could go there with their eyes closed, but chose not to. On their way back, arms laden with alcohol for the party Friday, glass bottles clinking merrily Sirius shot glances over at Remus.

He was acting too calm, like he was untouchable and like the whole event never happened. Sirius hoped it was not because the boy regretted his actions.

"I forgot to ask Remus, did you have a nice bath?" Sirius queried, James and Peter did not here the question, but kept on walking.

"What, your mental imagery not enough," Remus teased.

"It was vivid and interesting but a handsome black haired man kept showing up."

"James kept showing up in my bath? How odd you would imagine that."

Sirius couldn't help himself, "Oh love don't be that way, you know the only person I can see you with is Snape."

"His hair is a sight to be seen," Remus mused as if talking about the most delectable fruit.

"To be sure, his gaunt face leaves little to be desired," Sirius had a hard time saying that but he would do anything for a joke.

"I think his charming personality is what really does me in."

The group rounded a corner and Peter dropped a bottle of Firewhiskey, creating a horrible noise that echoed off the walls and through the corridors. Everyone froze but there were no more sounds.

"I'd say it's time to split up," James whispered, crouching down to give Peter the bottle.

"You two go the direct way and we'll take the back passage, " Remus decided and started walking, without consent from James or Peter, with Sirius.

"This party on Friday is going to be kind of crazy huh?" Sirius asked, hiking up his bottles in his arms so they did not slip like Peter's.

"So, you want to stop complimenting Snape?"

"Desperately."

Remus grinned and for Sirius' sake changed the subject, "Yeah, should be a fun party, just like all the others."

"I guess, though we brought a lot more alcohol this time." To make the point he held up the contents of his arms.

"Indeed, James went above and beyond. He also asked Lily to go with him and got turned down again."

"Are you perchance, going with anyone?" Sirius swerved around a corner a tad too quickly and had to pause to catch his balance.

Remus nudged Sirius in the shoulder as they made a slower than usual trek back to the Gryffindor Tower. "Are you asking me to the party?"

"If I did, would you say yes?"

"As a friend, no. I would tell you we're going to be there together anyway." Remus smiled and even in the dark Sirius could tell his eyes had the omnipotent sheen.

"And if I asked as more then a friend?"

"I would say I'm keeping my options open, but I'll think about it."

Sirius nearly stopped dead in his tracks, "What?"

"Or I may say yes, you'll just have to ask."

So he was going to be difficult then, "Remus, will you go to the party with me on Friday?"

Remus took mercy and looked down on Sirius with sincere eyes, "Yes. I kissed you on the cheek and told you to think about me in the bath, yes of course."

The smile that broke out across Sirius' face was equal parts giddiness, love, and cheekiness, "I would hold your hand but my arms are otherwise full."

"Pity."

They pulled up to the common room, knowing Peter and James had already gone to the dorms to drop off their bottles. Sirius decided to take a small chunk of revenge. He leaned up when Remus was looking at him and placed a lingering kiss on his cheek.

"Sweet dreams," he purred and walked away with a swagger. Remus watched him leave and realized he should actually be following, a minute passed and finally he uprooted himself from the spot.

RL/SB

There are only so many 'time of your month' jokes one can take before a psychotic break is immanent. Remus knew it was coming the day of the full moon when he propped his cheek up on his palm during lunch and listened to the third one that day.

"I hope I rip all your throats out," he mumbled and stabbed again at his food. He didn't bother moving his hair out of his eyes as he slumped lower. Sirius took pity and moved his fringe out of his eyes and behind his ear.

"You would never, you love me," Sirius cooed. He proceeded to lean into Remus and put an arm around him. Batting him away, Remus dropped his fork and gathered his things.

"Not that this hasn't been riveting, but I have make up work to do," he said and stood. He didn't bother waiting for a response as he left the dining hall.

"Poor Moony, this full moon is worse for him than usual," Sirius whined, watching Remus' receding back.

James looked at Sirius curiously, "I guess so, he'll be fine though."

"I guess..."

Sirius pouted at his plate, he wanted Remus to be next to him. He wanted Remus to be happy he realized, no matter what.

"Are you two dating or something? Why are you being so moody, Remus is always like this. He's fine, he's not your responsibility to worry about," James fussed.

"Being a concerned friend doesn't automatically mean we're dating!"

"Don't get so defensive! I'm just saying you two have been acting weird lately and you've been, I don't know, excluding us. It's like you've started a whole new side friendship."

"James, that doesn't make any sense, can I not just worry about Remus?"

"Of course you can! We all do, it's just..."

"What?"

"You just treat him differently! It's like I'm not your best friend anymore!"

"Of course your my best friend! What are you saying?!"

"Do you like him? That's all I'm asking."

"Not like that!" Sirius stood, his action surprising everyone around them. James stood too.

"Then stop being so protective!"

"I'm just being a good friend!"

"I saw you in the forest! I saw you holding hands!"

"You were spying on us!" Sirius voice transformed into more of a growl than a shout.

"Can you blame me it's like you two are dating!"

"But we're not dating!"

"Explain all the touches! The sneaking off! The hand holding! The staring! All you can talk about is Remus! You were so intimate in the forest!"

"We're just friends, that's all we'll ever be!"

By now the commotion had the rapt attention of every person present in the great hall. No one spoke anymore, not even whispers about what was being fought over. Hundreds of pairs of eyes looked in the same direction. Hundreds of hands held forks in the air, food mid bite. Hundreds of brains spun tails of what was going on.

"You're acting like his boyfriend!"

"Shut up!"

"What, worried what people will think of you once they know you're gay?!"

That was all it took for Sirius' anger to boil over. He punched James square in the jaw. James didn't see it coming, he fell over. Sirius was on him in a minute, bounding over the table. He punched James again.

"Stop!" Peter screamed but it did no good. Students rushed to form a circle around the spectacle completely blocking any teacher's entrance. Whispers stirred throughout the onlookers.

"Did you hear, Sirius is gay," some whispered.

"He and Remus are dating," others gossiped.

"What happened in the forest?" many wondered.

Sirius was pinning James to the floor when finally he was restrained. He struggled in his captures grasp. He looked back to see Remus holding him, he had a blank face. Sirius' heart dropped.

Clutching his face, James scrambled to his feet. Peter was shocked and white faced, looking between his three friends.

"Enough," came Dumbledore's booming voice. A pathway cleared and Dumbledore walked over to the center of the group.

"Mr. Potter, have Mr. Pettigrew take you to the infirmary," James and Peter nodded and rushed off without another word, "Mr. Black, detention for two weeks with Professor McGonagall. I would usually give longer for fighting but I believe Mr. Lupin can fitfully punish you as well," Dumbledore turned and addressed the audience, "Please return to your seats."

Everyone shot whispers and glances at the two that remained standing as they returned to their tables. Remus let go of Sirius, who was too ashamed to turn around.

"Come on," Remus said gruffly and walked away, not bothering to see if Sirius was following. They walked in silence a couple corridors until they reached a boys bathroom. Remus flung the door open and stopped by a sink. Sirius inhaled deeply and followed, he was just now coming back into himself. Remus grabbed his hand, which had blood on it, some James' and some Sirius' and began to clean the wounds under the tap. Sirius felt helpless, James hated him, Remus probably hated him, and the rest of the school knew he was gay.

Remus dropped the one hand and grabbed Sirius' other, Sirius didn't bother protesting. Remus worked in silence, the only thing that could be heard above the ringing of Sirius' ears was the running water anyway. He savored they way Remus' fingers felt brushing across his skin because he was sure it would be the last time Remus would touch him.

When he was finally done Remus dropped Sirius' hand and leaned against the sink. Sirius didn't dare look up from his shoes as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"What was that about?" Remus asked at length.

"He outed me," Sirius mumbled.

"You shouldn't have punched James for that. It was bound to happen one day, Sirius, why'd you get so wound up." Remus said it not with comfort but with flat emotion.

"I'm just scared of what people will think of me."

The bathroom was dank, there was toilet paper on the floor, water in puddles, and everything looked grey and gloomy. Sirius thought it reflected his mood pretty well.

"You shouldn't be, if they judge you, don't even bother with them. Sirius, the only person who's opinion matters is your own."

Then came the irrational anger, stemmed from the truth you refuse to see being thrown in your face, "You are such a hypocrite! That's exactly what you do with you lychonthropy! You don't tell anyone and you feel bad about yourself because you think people will hate you! You hate yourself more than anyone will ever hate you and yet you stand here and preach love yourself!"

"That's different."

"How?!"

"We can talk about this later when you're not being irrational."

"No! We're talking about this now!"

"Fine Sirius, here's the truth, it's much worse to be a werewolf than it is to be gay. You have a monster living inside you, that you can feel everyday, that once a month you turn into, that endangers your friends, family, and everyone else! You are judged and scorned by almost everybody in society and you'll probably never get a job no matter how smart and well qualified you are because, guess what! You're not human! Society hates you and they'd like you to be dead!

"When you're gay some people might judge you but no one would kill you! Being gay doesn't bring down the rest of your life! Get over yourself, some people have it so much worse, it isn't the worst thing in the world! I'm a monster I get reminded of that everyday, but you Sirius everyone loves! Hardly anyone would love me if they knew who I really and but no matter what Sirius, almost everyone will love you! So yes being gay and being a werewolf are totally different!"

Remus was breathing deeply and his cheeks were flushed. Sirius stood in shock, taking in every word Remus just shouted.

"So tell me now why you deserve to hate yourself," Remus concluded. Sirius couldn't formulate an answer fast enough, Remus was already sweeping past him out the bathroom.

Sirius sobbed, a ragged sob that racked his entire body, but no tears came. He crumpled in on himself down on the ground, how could he be so stupid? In some distant recess of his mind he knew class had started but he didn't care to move. Minutes, possibly hours later, he stood up wobbly and walked to his bed. His mind was a buzz of thoughts, right now he needed sleep and then Remus.

RL/SB

A poke in the side brought him out of his slumber. James and Peter stood over him, Sirius realized groggily. He wanted to apologize but he waited for himself to fully wake up before he said anything. He took the time to take in James' face, it had a few bruises and his nose looked a bit funny but everything was okay over all. Gingerly he sat up and began his apologies.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry," Sirius apologized over and over.

"We just came to say it's dinnertime," James sighed. He took off his glasses and rubbled the bridge of his nose, "You're forgiven, as if it were any question, I'm sorry I outed you."

"I needed to man up and do that anyway," Sirius admitted. There was still some tension in the room, Sirius didn't push it, "Remus?" he asked tentatively.

"You should go apologize, somehow I think you hurt him worse."

Sirius nodded and swung out of bed, "Where is he?"

"Library," James told him, "Oh and Sirius?"

Sirius turned and looked at him expectantly, he received a hard punch to the gut. James shook out his hand.

"Now I forgive you."

Sirius doubled over, hie wind mocked out of him. "Merlin!" he gasped, choking for air.

After a moment he got up and dashed out of the room, trying to formulate an apology. He wasn't exactly sure what to apologize for. Sorry for punching James? Sorry for freaking out? Sorry for hating myself? By the time he reached the library he was the exact opposite of ready, but he was here and he knew where Remus would be.

As expected Sirius found him in a secluded corner of the library sitting on a forgotten table, reading.

"Remus," Sirius greeted with trepidation.

The boy in question looked up, his face showing no emotion.

"Sirius," Remus responded flatly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for punching James and yelling at you and belittling your problems. I'm sorry most of all that's it's so hard for you in this society and for you to love yourself, because you should. You're so amazing Remus and I don't deserve you as a friend, I'm sorry," Sirius rambled.

Remus looked at him with his emotionless face like Sirius' apology meant nothing. He took a deep breath and it occurred to Sirius that Remus may have been crying.

"Okay."

It wasn't forgiveness or even acceptance but it was close enough for Sirius.

"Okay," he echoed, a thought occurred to him, "Why were you in the great hall?"

"Forgot my book," Remus explained holding it up.

"How much did you hear?"

"Just when James told everyone you're gay."

Sirius cringed, not one of his best moments, he wasn't sure if he should apologize or confess his love. He was glad Remus didn't hear the bit about not liking him and never dating though. Before Sirius could respond Remus got up.

"Dinner?" he offered.

Sirius nodded as he followed, getting the feeling his apology didn't cover everything and that Remus was angry about something more.

"I don't think we should go to the party together," Remus began, shifting awkwardly on his feet.

Sirius looked up, despondent, "Umm, alright. Could you just tell me why?"

Remus turned to him and he almost seemed disgusted, "I think we want different things," he managed.

That hurt Sirius. So their plans were off, there was no them. What had he done? Was Remus still angry or did he just change his mind?

Without another word Remus left quickly for dinner, leaving Sirius to catch up.

RL/SB

Dinner was awkward, no one spoke. Sirius looked down at his plate knowing it was completely his fault and taking the consequences. The full moon was rough, the wolf was almost openly hostile towards Sirius but only minor injuries were received. Remus, in an uncharacteristic fit of spontaneousness, shaved part of his head, giving himself an undercut, when his hair wasn't cooperating. Sirius could not complain, he just wasn't sure how much he liked the girls that kept sending Remus looks. Remus put as much distance between them as possible and only spoke to him in a formal way. Sometimes Sirius would even catch him looking disgusted in his direction, like in the library. He said nothing and accepted it.

Breakfast was not his favorite meal of the day but Remus did always look delightfully ruffled in the morning. He could get used to the view, so adorable. Aww, he just ruffled his hair, oh look there's the shaved section, that really suits him. That hair cut is great. Now he's blinking really slowly, when will the wonders cease. Maybe Remus should sit across from him more often, it had its perks.

"Sirius?"

Merlin that awful voice just killed the mood, wait it just said his name.

"Huh?"

Very smooth Black. Sirius turned to see a nervous looking Hufflepuff standing to his side, was his name Pierce?

"I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the party on Friday together."

What? That was unexpected, he couldn't even answer for a minute. He wished for a moment that and Remus were still going together. He sent a glance across the table to Remus, as if asking for forgiveness.

Pierce, or maybe Preston, took that look to mean something else. "Unless you and he," he pointed to Remus not even acknowledging him really, "are dating."

"No we're not," Remus answered for him, rather gruffly.

They almost had a date, Sirius thought with melancholy. He turned to the boy and gave him a charming smile despite it all, "No thanks, I'm not really interested in dating right now." Sirius didn't add, unless your Remus.

The poor boy looked crestfallen but he gave a pinched smile.

"Sure," he said and walked away.

Sirius had rejected plenty of people but now he just felt plain bad, with girls he had an excuse, but he didn't with the boy. Plus he knew it must've taken courage to go up and ask someone of the same sex. Still, he wasn't interested, he didn't even know the boy.

Sirius looked across the table at Remus who seemed to be having trouble choosing an emotion. He thought back to their encounter in the library, maybe he should have handled that better.

"Sirius?"

Mother of all Merlins beard, why was he so popular? Why do people keep bothering him? Why can't he rant to himself? Why?!

"Sirius!"

"Yes!" Sirius yelled back exasperatedly.

Remus looked at him confused but continued, "I was wondering if you wanted to revise our project tonight before dinner."

"That sounds delightful!" Sirius chirped, overly enthusiastic. An awkward silence ensued where Sirius picked at his cold toast and Remus plucked at his scrambled eggs. The bell saved the day, what ever happened to the suavest individual in Hogwarts? That's right he fell in love. Stupid love, ruined everything, Remus was getting close to him, they were practically dating! And now this, distant Remus! Sirius sighed outwardly, perhaps he needed more sleep, normal people don't rant to themselves in the third person.


	4. I Know He'll Always Be the Only Boy for Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grand finale, exactly what you would expect but more poorly written. Rekindling, explaining misdinerstanodngs, and of course fluff.

Sirius wasn't sure what to do with his hands, he could flail them around trying to get someone's attention or he could push this person off him, but he wasn't sure where to push. Why was this presumptuous boy sucking on his face? Merlin, this was uncomfortable, he needed to do something before this bloke got the wrong idea. Finally he grabbed the guys shoulders and ripped his face away.

"What are you doing?!" Sirius questioned, completely baffled.

"I figured you're interested, so I'd show you what you could have," this boy said, very self assured.

"No!" Sirius yelped and backed away. He proceeded to run.

Sirius payed no attention to the librarians evil glare as he ran through the shelves, yelling, "Remus, I've just been molested!"

If he expected concern he would have been disappointed, Remus looked at him condescendingly.

"Explain further."

"I was walking down the hall and this bloke kissed me, trying to show me his goods! To get me to, probably," Sirius shuttered, "shag him."

"That must be so terrible for you," Remus drawled, "now sit."

Sirius huffed but did as he was told, Remus just didn't understand the trauma.

"You haven't lived until you've been snogged at least once by a stranger in the hallway."

Sirius gaped, was Remus implying he had been snogged in the hallway? Was this heathen male or female? Were they nice about it? Why would they do that? So Sirius would hit them?

None of those pertinent questions came out, instead Sirius growled, "Probably asking for it."

Remus looked hurt, his eyes grew wide and round, then narrowed. He looked angry, no ready to murder would be more accurate.

"So if I get snogged I'm asking for it but if you do you're the victim who's just too good for everyone else?" Remus spat.

"That came out.. wrong. I meant to ask, who it was so I can punch them in the face."

Remus' eyes were firey, swirling with passion and anger. Sirius would appreciate their ability to betray such dynamic emotions if they weren't directed at him.

"How does that turn into calling me a slut?"

"Okay, no I don't think you're a slut, that just came out wrong."

If looks could kill Sirius would be six feet under, blue around the edges, and broken in a hundred different places.

"So I've gathered." Could bitter ire manifest itself into a dagger?

"The exact train of thought was, were they male or female? Were they nice about it? Who are they, so I can hit them in the face. Then I thought, the person was probably asking to be hit, and that's the only part that came out."

Sirius looked at Remus with hope, Remus looked at Sirius with slight horror.

"You better be careful Black," Remus warned as he started to lay out their project. Sirius figured the subject was dropped, he did not push it by asking who it was.

"I like your haircut," Sirius mumbled, who doesn't love a good compliment?

Remus looked up from the essay surprised. "Flattery will get you no where Black." He made it sound threatening but also teasing, close enough to forgiveness.

Thirty minutes of spell checking later and they were officially done with the project. Remus was like a machine, correct error, brisk comment to Sirius, repeat.

"Alright blossom, let's head back to the common room," Remus smirked.

Sirius made a multitude of indignant noises, "Don't call me that! It's not accurate"

Remus smirked and picked up his bag, "Sure thing flower. It's not like your too innocent and pure to be kissed in the hallway."

"That's taken out of context!"

Sirius stood too long dumbfounded and had to shout at Remus' receding back and then dash to catch up.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Sirius vented excitedly, Remus hadn't joked with him since the incident, he decided to test his luck.

Remus looked a little uncomfortable, "No we should get back to James and Peter."

"Yeah, right of course," Sirius ceded, disappointed. He made an effort to brush their knuckles together, but Remus jerked away. They both shoved their hands in their pockets.

RL/SB

"I've given you ample time to finish your projects," Flitwhick droned Friday afternoon, starting the class, "Please hand them all to me."

James and Peter uncertainly looked at their scroll, neither touched it. Remus picked theirs up and brought it to the front of the room like most everyone.

"What's wrong with yours?" Sirius whispered to Peter, who was now sitting between he and James.

"We didn't exactly... do it..." Peter admitted.

Sirius snickered, oh that was something. Remus sat back down and looked at two very glum Marauders and one bursting with suppressed laughter.

"Why aren't they turning it in?" Remus asked.

"They didn't do it."

Remus snorted and that was all it took, they were face down on the desk laughing their asses off.

RL/SB

Sirius looked around at all the obviously drunk party goers, they were disgusting to look at sober. He didn't feel in the party mood so he didn't drink but looking at the mess sober was almost even more sad. People snogged on couches, barfed on furniture (and other people), and danced like idiots. Alcohol gives you a special lens that makes everything look more fun and exciting and less gross and repulsive. Remus gave him a look of sympathy as he saw the horrified look Sirius was wearing from across the room. He weaved his way through the drunk crowd and sat himself down next to Sirius.

"Not so fun when you're sober, huh?" Remus teased, nudging him.

"No, it's horrifying," Sirius said numbly.

"Quite, there's so much unkempt emotion, people have no control over their actions. That's why I don't like getting drunk, I always want to be in control of myself. Once a month I don't have a choice, I don't want any other day to be like that."

The party turned into a dull buzz as Sirius processed this information, he wondered how many other people in the world knew this information. Remus was a nesting doll of mystery, you think you have him figured out and then he reveals another layer.

"Why do you smoke?"

"I still have control, I just feel more happy. Sometimes I say stupid things, but they're always things I want to say. I never feel reckless, just peaceful."

Sirius looked into Remus' eyes, they were like a comfortable fire, homey. Right now they were round and the color of light honey, framed by thick lashes, improbably long. The best was the way they were so intense, when they looked at you it was like a mother looking at her newborn, like you were the sole person he cared about. Sirius secretly hoped, and pretended, that he was the only one Remus looked at like that.

"Do you want to get out of here?"

"If you want," Remus shrugged and got up. They passed one passionate couple sitting near the portrait hole who, they tried not to notice, were making terribly suggestive noises.

With no apparent destination they left the party and the castle. It was almost dark and freezing outside, Sirius wore a leather jacket but Remus was ill prepared, he shoved his hands in his pockets pretty quickly. Sirius tried not to read too much into that. Remus was clearly thinking so Sirius didn't dare try to speak, he let the silence settle like a veil.

Remus halted suddenly, Sirius looked over to him for an explanation. He turned his head towards Sirius until they were making eye contact. Then, just as suddenly as the stop, Remus hugged Sirius, circling both arms around his neck. He nuzzled his head into Sirius' neck and squeezed. Sirius brought his arms around Remus' torso and squeezed back. He could feel Remus' face in his neck, feel his breathing, feel his hair on his cheek.

Their bodies were pressed together like bricks, a wall against the cold wind. Sirius could feel the warmth from Remus, feel how soft he was. He felt cozy in Sirius' arms, and his clothes more comfortable against Sirius than bedcovers right before having to get up in the morning.

Sirius did not know why Remus was hugging him, but he understood enough not to ask. Instead he basked in the physical contact, the way he was totally encompassed by Remus. They stayed like this for minutes, clutching each other, until Remus pulled away slightly. Sirius kept his eyes closed trying to hold onto the feeling. Then there was a new feeling, something soft being pressed to the corner of his mouth. Sirius opened his eyes but he was too late, Remus had backed up.

Deciding he only had one chance Sirius moved his hands to Remus' hips while Remus still had his arms around his neck. Sirius stood sock still only for a moment as the butterflies in his stomach migrated to his chest. Then he leaned forward and kissed Remus, merely a pressing of lips until Remus pulled him closer. They were hugging again but this time it was so much more because they were also kissing. Remus moved his hands into Sirius' hair and their lips started to move together.

The kiss wasn't hungry, it was languid but still passionate. Sirius knew this felt right, he knew by the way it took his breath away, literally. He pulled back only slightly and panted for air with Remus. Their noses could almost brush as Sirius searched Remus' eyes to find any signs of doubt. There were none.

"I love you Remus," Sirius breathed.

"I love you too, Sirius," Remus whispered back and hugged him tight again, "When you said you didn't like me to James I thought you were just doing this for the fun of it, like I was some game," he murmured in Sirius' neck.

Sirius knew Remus had heard more but he also knew now was not the time to comment on that. Instead the he said, "Never."

That's all they needed, each other and quiet insurances of each other's love. Until they realized it was freezing outside and the tips of things were getting numb.

Holding hands they ran back into the castle and to the party, laughing and smiling like idiots. As they entered the party they were relieved to see almost everyone sitting in a circle listening to James tell a funny story. They sat down on a couch together, thigh to thigh, and heard none of the story.

Remus casually danced his fingers along Sirius' thigh, making swirling patterns. The group a few feet away burst out in uproarious laughter.

"I don't think they would miss us if we left," Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled, he could think of much more productive things to do away from the prying eyes of everyone else anyway. They got up, knuckles brushing and were almost to the stars when James spotted them.

"There are my two best friends!" he hollered pouting their way. The whole crowd turned to them.

"You are wasted James," Sirius pointed out fondly. James nodded excitedly, yes very much drunk.

"Come join the circle!" James scooted over forming one and a half spots, "We're going to play a game!"

Sirius was not in the mood to play games, he was achingly sober and had someone who would probably make out with hm for hours standing right next to him, who he couldn't snog at that very moment.

"What game?" Remus called.

"Truth or dare!"

The two exchanged a look, there were a lot of secrets between them that they did not want to reveal. Remus never played truth or dare and James should have known that.

"No thanks James," Remus answered and made to leave.

"Just one for both of you, are you two dating?!"

The entire group burst into laughter, Remus' cheeks turned red and Sirius has to look down slightly.

"Why James, are you interested?" Remus called and walked away, dragging Sirius behind him.

Once in the confines of their own dorm the silence was tense and neither made eye contact.

"He's going to figure out eventually," Remus finally spoke.

"Maybe, we can just keep it a secret for now, yeah?" Sirius asked, playfully.

Remus' smile grew, "I think I can work with that."

They woke up the next morning fully clothed, legs entangled with each other's on Sirius' bed. It was a Saturday, no need to get up for a while, so behind the curtains they started kissing again. Last night was much more energetic, today they just took it slow. Remus wound up on top of Sirius, which had surprised Sirius at first but found it quite natural. Hands roved over clothed skin, slowly, with a purpose. Lips met and it was bliss.

"Aha!"

Remus rolled off Sirius and nearly off the bed he was so surprised. Sirius sat bolt upright and looked at the triumphant face of James Potter.

"I knew it!"

"It just started yesterday," Remus informed him, also sitting up.

"What? You're telling me you held hands and all that and yet you still weren't officially a couple?!"

"That was working our way up to that point..."

"And then I threw things off when I yelled I didn't like him and that we weren't together..." Sirius added.

The triumphant glee was replaced with something else, recompense.

"Look, I'm sorry I flipped my shit the other day about that, it really isn't a big deal, as long as it doesn't come in the way of our friendship."

"We all said things we didn't mean," Sirius said, giving a significant look to Remus.

"Oh yeah! You said you would never go out!"

"Salt in the wound," Sirius growled.

"Sorry."

Before the conversation had any time to progress James dashed to the bathroom looking rather pale.

Remus and Sirius smiled. Remus and Sirius, Sirius thought over and over, he liked it. If he thought it fast enough there was no and just RemusSirius like they were one. He liked that.

RL/SB

Walking outside in the dazzling sunlight Remus and Sirius openly held hands. They were given some looks by a few students but most giggled or ignored it. Sirius stroked his thumb over Remus' it felt so good to be able to hold hands without so much drama and tension. Remus turned or him and gave him a big toothy grin, he felt the same way. They walked in peace for a while but Sirius was getting antsy.

"Race you to the tree!" Sirius exclaimed already letting go of Remus' hand and getting into running position. He was off towards the waiting James and Peter in an instant, leaving little time for Remus to follow.

"No fair!" Remus shouted as he took off too.

Midway to the designated tree, Remus hardly tailing anymore, Remus tripped and fell. Sirius abruptly turned to the sight of Remus lifting himself gingerly off the dirt path. Somewhere in the middle Remus decided it was too much work and flopped back down, rolling off the path so he was face up in the grass.

"I like the view from here better anyway," Remus claimed, gesturing towards the sky filled with haphazard white clouds.

Sirius chuckled and walked over to his boyfriend, "I like the view better here anyway," he teased gesturing to Remus. Remus huffed, like he always did at any form of compliments.

"Yeah right."

Deciding his lack of confidence did not need to be spread more Sirius crouched down and kissed him. It was meant to be a single kiss but it turned into more when Remus grabbed him and pulled him on top. Sirius decided right then this was way better than holding hands.

"We can't leave you two five minutes before you start groping each other!" James shouted dashing over to his friends.

With a sigh and grunt Sirius was up, offering a hand to Remus in the process. They brushed themselves off to see the smirking faces of their other two friends.

"Jealousy is unflattering James," Remus said very seriously.

"Please, Lily is this close," he held his fingers very close together in front of his face and squinted at the gap, "to becoming my girlfriend."

Everyone nodded, not believing at all what James was saying, sometimes it was easier to agree. Remus held out his hand, "Shall we?"

Sirius nodded his consent and grabbed the extended hand, walking down the path together, certain Beatles lyrics running through his head. It was a happy day, Sirius was happy and he hummed.

And when I touch you I feel happy  
Inside  
It's such a feeling that my love  
I can't hide  
I can't hide  
I can't hide

Yeah, you've got that something  
I think you'll understand  
When I'll feel that something  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand  
I wanna hold your hand

The End.


End file.
